


laugh away the fear

by ninwrites



Series: Shadowhunters Coda Scenes [12]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Feels, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Related, Communication, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everything is Beautiful and Everything Hurts, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Season/Series 03, Supportive Magnus Bane, a lot of feelings, healthy relationship here guys, immortality references, mental health references, sort of out of canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-05-03 13:26:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14569983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninwrites/pseuds/ninwrites
Summary: Magnus reminds Alec that he is not alone.





	laugh away the fear

**Author's Note:**

> this is going to be a long note. feel free to skip the fic itself xx 
> 
> title from, and fic inspired by, 'intertwined' by dodie
> 
> \--
> 
> five years ago, today, I posted my first piece - back then, it was a different fandom, and a different platform, but it sparked something, and my life has been forever changed since. deciding to write fic was not one I put a lot of thought into - my parabatai, new to me at the time, showed me fanfiction.net, and I fell in love with the fics I read. A terribly naive part of my brain made the executive decision that I could do the same - because, why not?
> 
> truthfully, my writing back then was disastrous. but it was the first stepping stone which has gotten me here; fic showed me the beauty of writing, of telling stories and crafting ideas into something real and honest ... without fic, I wouldn't know what to do with my life. I wouldn't have the dream, of being an author, and I certainly wouldn't be at university pursuing that dream. 
> 
> I have met the most amazing people through fandom and fic, I've found inspiration and support through other writers, and I've made the most incredible friends who I couldn't, I'm certain, live without. I have had amazing opportunities, and been able to craft and improve my writing - I am, I hope, still doing that.   
>  
> 
> All in all, I would not be the person that I am today without the last five years. To everyone, who has ever read, kudosed, bookmarked, commented, subscribed, followed, or otherwise reached out to me -- to those who have stuck by me the entire time, to those who've only come around this year; to everyone, every single person who has ever supported me and my writing -- thank you. I cannot say that enough. 
> 
> Thank you, from my entire heart, for indulging my writing, and hopes and dreams, for encouraging me to keep going. Whilst I don't plan on ceasing fic any time soon, and do in fact plan on telling stories as a career for - hopefully - the rest of my life, it is amazing to know that I've reached half a decade already. 
> 
> interestingly, it is also the four year anniversary of my time on ao3!!
> 
> I do not have the word count to specifically thank every single person who's had an impact on me, and my writing, but I sincerely hope that they know who they are (if they don't, I clearly haven't gushed over them enough - and will endeavor to fix that.)
> 
> enough of my sappiness -- enjoy this soft, mess of feelings xx

 

 

Magnus’ palm is warm, sparks of deep aquamarine flitting over his rings, dancing onto Alec’s fingers where they trace runes into Magnus’ skin. He knows nothing of lines for love or death, understands little of the mundane fascination with palm reading, but the language of the angel is one he can depend on when words fail, as they do now.

 

Everything he _wants_ to say is caught in the tangled strings behind his ribcage, fighting a losing battle with his stubborn heart, so here he stays, in the moment, in the here and the now.

 

The balcony is a paradox of time and space – nothing exists, between the railing and the windows, nothing but them, and their thoughts and tremoring hearts and feet touching feet and wayward magic against scarred knuckles.

 

Magnus lifts his free hand, curling his fingers against the nape of Alec’s neck, heat pulsing through, chasing the knots that wind themselves so tight Alec wouldn’t know where to start to undo them.

 

 _You_ , Alec thinks, when Magnus’ fingers curl against his, when his magic winds itself around Alec’s wrist, leaving behind a bracelet woven with leather and gold. It feels of Magnus, the way the wards of the loft do, the way the bed does, the way that everything does, if Alec thinks too hard about it.

 

 _And I._ His mind replies, in Magnus’ voice, soft and tender and present.

 

“It’s for luck.” Magnus whispers, in real time, his thumb stroking across the circlet. “I’m no fool, I can’t delude myself against the reality of our lives, of _your_ life – Shadowhunters die, at a faster rate than most but I meant it, Alexander, when I said I didn’t want to think about you being gone. I will do _everything_ in my power to prevent that.”

 

“It’s a bracelet.” Alec points out, because he can’t think further than the obvious, because he doesn’t want to _think_.

 

Magnus smiles, but it’s tight and bittersweet. “It’s protection.”

 

Alec doesn’t know how, but he believes Magnus, always does. If there’s one thing that Magnus would never do, it’s lie to him. Alec only wishes he could say the same for himself.

 

“Not here,” Alec leans back, against the daybed, against Magnus’ broad shoulder, against the arm that winds around his back. “We’re safe, here.”

 

Magnus presses a kiss to his temple, and Alec closes his eyes, heart aching with every fervent pulse. The world will try, he knows, to beat them down until they don’t recognise themselves, nothing but ashes and dust to the wind, and memories that lose their significance with every stolen breath.

 

The world can go fuck itself if it thinks he’s going to take it lying down, if he won’t fight with every gritty fibre of his being, if he won’t put everything on the line for those he loves, to protect anyone he can.

 

“Leave the world to itself,” Magnus murmurs, peppering kisses down Alec’s cheeks, his hand tightening around Alec’s. “The night is ours, Alexander, let’s take advantage of it.”

 

Alec nods, urging his mind to get the memo, wishing that it would let go of the thought that they won’t have much time left, with the world spinning the way it is, with the threats against them stacking against their favour, one minor gust away from crushing them, from-

 

Magnus presses a kiss to Alec’s jaw, whispering words of nothing. Alec tucks his head into the crook of Magnus’ shoulder, his cheeks stained with the kind of distress that sticks to his eyelashes and cause an ache against his skull.

 

“I’m sorry,” Alec croaks out, because he’s ruined this, because he’s always ruining their time together. He can’t seem to make the most of the moment awarded without his mind tainting every edge in slick, hopeless misery.

 

“You don’t have to apologise for feeling, Alexander.” Magnus knows, because he always knows, because he sees in Alec what nobody else cares too. His fingers trace circles against Alec’s back, soothing and patient, even as hiccups in Alec’s composure rock his frame.

 

“I’m so tired,” Alec whispers against the column of Magnus’ neck. “I’m tired of feeling hopeless, of feeling stretched taut, of feeling like there’s nothing that I can do to stop the world from burning.”

 

Magnus stills but Alec isn’t finished, the words spilling from him like the rush of Niagara Falls. “All my life, I’ve trained to be a protector, to save people; since becoming Head of the Institute, I've tried to bridge the divide in the Shadow World so that Downworlders have less reason to feel unequal. One minute, I’m being told that I’m changing the status of our world, and the next I’m just putting it in more danger.”

 

“Alexander, you must know that isn’t true.” Magnus lifts Alec’s head with two gentle fingers beneath his chin, his gaze imploring; the glamour has dropped, but there’s a melancholy that isn’t quite as strong without the gold. “It is not your responsibility to bear the world’s burdens.”

 

Alec would shake his head, if he were able. The corner of Magnus’ smile pulls up somewhere between fondness and sympathy. “You are but one man,” Magnus’s hand moves until it’s cupping Alec’s cheek, thumb brushing across his cheekbone. “It is impossible for you to do everything, nor should you be expected to.”

 

“But,” Alec clears his throat. “I’m the Head of the Institute, I’m-“

 

“You’re Alexander Lightwood.” Magnus’s hand slides to grasp the back of Alec’s neck. “You’re a great many things. A great many _beautiful_ things, but you are not a god, and more importantly, you’re not alone. You’re never alone.”

 

“Not in this,” Alec replies, because he has other Shadowhunters, he has his family, he has Isabelle, he had Magnus, though the latter seems to be less a fact and more a steadfast hope, these days.

 

Magnus purses his lips, his hand tightening against the nape of Alec’s neck. “Not in anything. This,” Magnus smirks, jut slightly, just enough. “ _Us._ It’s not going anywhere, remember?”

 

Alec laughs, a tinny, broken sound, but a laugh nonetheless. His head bumps against Magnus’ and he leaves it there, leaves the shards of fractured hope as they scrape against his heart. He’s exhausted in a way that is less from fatigue and more the bone-tired weariness of fighting against a force that won’t budge, for too long without pause.

 

The world refuses to let him rest, but little does it know, _he_ won’t either.

 

It’s not something he was ever taught, to rest, to take time for himself, to let himself breathe lest his lungs burst with the pressure. Shadowhunters are born to fight; life wasn’t meant for fun or love, it was dedicated to protection, to laying down one’s life for the greater cause, the _greatest cause_.

 

Alec was born to die. Not to live.

 

Then Magnus came into his life, a whirling storm of power and passion and kindness, and Alec’s world turned to colour.

 

(He’s learned a great many things, but the best of all was how to be himself, and more importantly, that it is okay to be so.)

 

“How are you feeling?” Magnus asks, because he wants to know, because he doesn’t want Alec to bottle it all inside.

 

 _Numb_. Alec’s brain supplies.

 

“Fine.” He says, instead.

 

Neither are quite true, and they both know it. Alec’s limbs feel cold, his heart hot to the point of burning, and his mind is screaming so loud his skull aches with the sound. He wishes, he were numb, wishes he were fine, wishes for a _second_ that he didn’t have to feel.

 

“Alexander,” Magnus’ tone holds nothing but concern. If there is one reason to feel, it is him.

 

“I will be.” Alec amends, knowing he doesn’t have a choice otherwise.

 

Magnus’ thumb strokes shapes against the nape of Alec’s neck, a warm buzz spreading down Alec’s spine after it. “Yes. You will.” He lifts his head, pressing a kiss to Alec’s temple. “It is, however, okay if you’re not. You don’t have to be okay all of the time, just don’t-“

 

“Push you away?”

 

Magnus pulls back, fixing Alec with a stern glare – or so, it would be, if he could keep the bleeding affection out of it. The corner of Alec’s mouth picks up, just slightly, just enough.

 

Everything might not be okay, but some things are, and that’s what is important.

 

“I’m never letting you go,” Alec whispers, shaking his head, the mere thought enough to derail him. “Okay? Never.”

 

Magnus smiles, in that sweet and sympathetic way where he finds fond amusement in Alec’s naivety. He doesn’t think that Alec quite understands the weight of his words, and that’s fine, he’s welcome to think that – but Alec knows he’s wrong.

 

Alec understands the weight of his promise, and he means it, with every broken, hopeful piece of him. He doesn’t want to go where Magnus can’t follow, so the solution is simple – he simply won’t.

 

The logistics are still a work in progress, but Alec is determined beyond any inch of doubt, that he’ll be able to find a way.

 

He’s keeping it to himself, until he can be sure, because it would not be a discussion but an argument, and he’s tired of fighting, especially with Magnus, of all. He wants a night of peace and reassurance and if Magnus takes his words as foolish hope, then that is not Alec’s place to correct him just yet.

 

“I love you,” Magnus whispers, tender and precise.

 

Alec lets himself smile, lets it take over. Just for now. “I know.”

 

“So,” Magnus’ eyes are glittering like coins, and Alec can’t think of a treasure he’d rather behold. “So, so much.”

 

Alec leans in, until his nose bumps Magnus’, and the corners of their smiles stitch together. “I know,” He whispers, again, the words ghosting across Magnus’ lips. “I love you too. More than anything.”

 

The kiss that follows is sweet, and patient; it doesn’t heal anything, can’t even begin to close the yawning holes that are tearing Alec apart, but it’s a band-aid. A temporary solution to a problem that can be better faced once the sun has come back up, once Alec’s mind isn’t screaming at him in a pitch only a demon should be able to hear, once the strap around Alec’s lungs has loosened enough for him to breathe without it aching.

 

It doesn’t fix everything. But it helps.

 

Magnus whispers praise and affection into his skin, pressing kisses to his cheeks and forehead, the tip of his nose and the curve of his jaw, the ticklish spot behind his right ear and the dip in his collarbone that helps settle his spinning heart.

 

“Come to bed?” Magnus asks, because he always does.

 

Alec nods, and when Magnus stands up, Alec’s hand finds his without question. It’s a path well-travelled, but the warmth of Magnus’ palm against his is one that Alec will never grow tired of, not even with the prospect of forever.

 

Alec strips to his plain black briefs, Magnus slipping silk cobalt pants on, for he hates the cold more than most, even with a human furnace in his boyfriend, and their legs entwine beneath the heavy gold covers. Alec rests his head against Magnus’ heart, and breathes in time with the steady pulse, taking comfort in the familiarity, the unchanging.

 

It’s not about sex, but pure, unadulterated comfort.

 

Magnus holds him tight, one arm wrapped around his back, the other tracing Alec’s jaw and the edge of his cautious, sleepy smile. Alec’s arm is roped around Magnus’ waist, his fingers tracing invisible runes against Magnus’ ribs, steadied by the peace in the quiet; it’s not silence, he can hear Magnus’ breathing, the weight of it implying that Magnus has something to say but isn’t quite sure how to say it, but it is pleasant, and welcome.

 

Alec loses himself in the _ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum_ of Magnus’ heartbeat, drifting somewhere between waking and not, the shouting in his mind quieted down to a dull roar. He almost misses the question that Magnus poses, would have, he knows, if he weren’t so attuned to every vibrating atom of Magnus’ being.

 

“You’re still wearing the bracelet?”

 

Alec doesn’t consider it much of a question, even with the lilt at the end of Magnus’ words, because to him the answer is rather obvious. He wouldn’t take it off, not to sleep, not for anything. “You still carry the omamori charm in your pockets.”

 

“You know about that?”

 

Alec lifts his head, eyes cast towards the gold in Magnus’, lit by incredulity and awe. “I gave it to you, for that purpose. Why wouldn’t you keep it with you? How else can it protect you, when I’m not there to do it myself?”

 

Magnus’ lips part, but no words come out, so Alec keeps going, his thoughts tumbling off his tongue like it’s a diving board. “I know that you’re a centuries old warlock, who doesn’t need protection, who can handle any troubles without even breaking a sweat, or getting dirt on your fancy jackets.”

 

Alec shrugs, his shoulder bumping Magnus’. “I just, feel better knowing that I can be there, too, in some way. Just in case. I mean, I think you’re pretty close to perfect, but you told me, once, that even immortals aren’t invincible, and – the idea of you being hurt is one of my greatest fears.”

 

“Alexander,” Magnus whispers, his hand coming up to cradle Alec’s jaw. “I will admit I did not think you’d realise that I keep your charm with me, but your reasoning falls a little short, I’m afraid.”

 

“It is not because of my vulnerability, that I keep it so close.” Magnus assures him, smoothing the creases of Alec’s frown with his thumb. “It is because I’ve traced the gold decorations so often I can see the patterns with my eyes closed, because the pulsing magic within reminds me of your heartbeat, because it carries with it your essence, even more so when you aren’t here yourself.”

 

“That’s not what the lady who sold it to me promised.” Alec says, because it’s all that he can manage.

 

Magnus laughs softly, his thumb following the curve of Alec’s ear, down to his collarbone, before resting his palm over Alec’s heart. “How fortunate I am, for being one of few who gets such an insight into your heart and all of it’s wonders.

 

“Well,” Alec leans into Magnus’ touch, into the palm against his chest and all the warmth that radiates between. “It seems fitting, considering it beats for you, and only you, anyway.”

 

Magnus jaw falls down to meet his sternum, his mind never able to wrap itself around the words that Alec presents so honestly.

 

“Alexander,” Magnus’s fingers curl against Alec’s bare chest, his ebony nails leaving fading indents against Alec’s runed skin. “You can’t just say things like that.”

 

Alec drops a kiss to Magnus’ clavicle, glancing up through hooded eyes that say more than words ever could. “It’s how I feel.” He states. “Magnus, you’re – my, everything. You make me feel things I didn’t think I could, you remind me of the importance of putting my needs before the wants of others. You’re the one who showed me the life I could have.”

 

“Because you deserve nothing but the best _in life_ and all it has to offer,” Magnus insists, the urge to convince Alec he’s worth everything _burning_ inside of him. He knows, that Alec doesn’t always believe it, can see the doubt in his mind as shadows flicker across his eyes, and it kills him, every time.

 

Alec is always so concerned about being a burden on others, that he often has trouble seeing the truth before him. Magnus has his hopes pinned on Alec, his future is wrapped in Alec’s, has been since before he’d given it the green light to do so, and if Alec bled, it is Magnus who’d need sutures.

 

“I have you.” Alec says, pulling Magnus from his thoughts, to a moment just as aching. “I can’t think of anything better.”

 

It is all Magnus can do, to laugh against Alec’s parted lips and draw him into a kiss that expresses everything he feels, the way simple words cannot. There’s nothing to say that would encompass all that he feels, no words exist in any language that could come close, because what he and Alec have is so different than anything else, it’s special and fantastic and beautifully all their own.

 

It’s not perfect, by any means, and they break their hearts as often as they fix them, but it’s what makes the effort worth it that matters.

 

And Alec is worth everything.  


 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I honestly don't know what to classify this as, but I sincerely hope that you enjoyed it -- here's to the next five years, if I'm lucky <3
> 
> for those who are a little confused, I am hence forth changing my name -- there is no more malteser24, that era has long since ran dry, and I want a name that better reflects what I am writing now. ninwrites is a new name for the classier style I hope to achieve with my writing. 
> 
>  
> 
> \--
> 
> links - for those interested:
> 
> twitter: [ninwrites](https://mobile.twitter.com/ninwrites) for fic stuff/updates/snippets + [biconicbarnes](https://mobile.twitter.com/biconicbarnes) for general fandom mess + small threads  
>   
> tumblr: [here](https://ninwrites.tumblr.com/)  
>   
> (and while you're there check out the [shfanficnexus](https://shfanficnexus.tumblr.com/), a collection of work by wonderfully talented and lovely writers <3 )  
> thank you for reading!
> 
> \- Nin ❤


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